Introduction
You are in the lunchroom during your first day of high school. You look around and are overwhelmed by the number of peers surrounding you. A feeling of uneasiness falls upon you, and you are not sure
which direction to head. You generalize each table in a few seconds – the table full of jocks, the table of bookworms, the table of skaters. Out of desperation, you walk towards the first table that
seems the least threatening – the table that you can relate to the best.
This happens to everyone at one point in his or her life. It doesn't matter if the setting is in a high school cafeteria, college, or a business luncheon – it is painfully uncomfortable to
walk into a room full of unfamiliar people, especially when you want to be well received based on your first impressions. According to a study in New York Times (Dec 18, 1984), being in a room full of
strangers is the number one social fear, even above the number two fear - speaking in public. Nobody likes to be put on the spot in proving themselves worthy to be accepted by their peers. It incites a
feeling of anxiety, or as some would describe it, shyness. Studies have been done that conclude that 75% of adults experience anxiety when at a party with strangers. The shyness you feel is more common
than you think.
The fact is that the majority of people are in the same boat as you. Some people are just better at hiding their insecurities and fears, making them appear to never exhibit shyness. Once you
begin to understand that "the spider is more afraid of you than you are of it", then you will begin to excel in your relationships with other people around you. It is self-doubt that leads us
to being shy – it is not our personality, as some psychologists would have you believe. Self-doubt is a negative characteristic that can be eliminated, and shyness is a character flaw that nobody needs
to live with if they are seeking help in overcoming it.
Social anxiety is an intense, persistent fear and avoidance of social situations. Most of us feel shy or anxious in social situations from time to time. It's perfectly normal. But social anxiety disorder
is quite different from an occasional case of nerves. The main difference is that the anxiety doesn't go away and is so severe that it affects daily life: social relationships are limited; career and
educational opportunities are missed.
Key symptoms of social anxiety disorder are:
- An excessive and persistent fear of social or performance situations in which they will be scrutinized by others
- The feared situation is endured with great distress or avoided altogether
Steps in Overcoming Shyness
Face Your Fear(s)
I believe that one of the major steps to overcoming shyness is to face your fear; face the fear that is so deep rooted, you may not even be able to recognize it. That fear I am speaking of is
the fear of rejection. Everyone has been rejected at some time or another in their life. Even God's own son, Jesus Christ, was despised and rejected by men and familiar with suffering – and He was
perfect! Everyone will be rejected at some moment, so don't take things too personally. Almost everyone has some sort of problem, so don't let it upset you if someone is rude.
A very common approach in preparing your psyche for something that scares you is to tell yourself "what is the worst thing that could happen?" Nobody has ever died from being
ignored or frowned at, and a bruised ego heals in time. Nothing tragic can happen when you face the fear of mingling with unfamiliar people. At worst, they can "furrow" their brow and act as if
you don't exist. Conversely, if all goes well, there is a good chance you could make some new, lifelong friends.
Say 'Hi' to 5 New People Every Day
Not too long ago, I noticed that even the mere act of saying 'hi' to people I didn't know in passing made me uncomfortable. As I started to analyze myself, I could not come to any logical
conclusion as to why it scared me to acknowledge people I didn't know. I remembered the times when I said 'hi' to people and they didn't say 'hi' back, or even worse, when I said hi and they looked at me
like I was the devil.
I then started thinking about how good it feels when someone you don't know acknowledges your presence. It doesn't matter who it is – if they give you a smile and a simple hello, something
inside you jumps for joy. And then I remembered one of my old Sunday school verses that we all memorized, which was "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." There is no better
advice than advice that comes straight from God's word.
As I discussed this with one of my college buddies, he mentioned that many people fear the small rejections in life, such as being ignored. We then determined to sharpen our social skills by
saying 'hi' to 5 people that we didn't know, every day. This may seem small and insignificant, but it is a major method in overcoming your shyness.
Practice your Written and Verbal Communication Skills
Self-doubt and shyness go hand-in-hand. If you don't feel good about yourself or if you are not sure of yourself, then you will become more introverted. The best way to combat self-doubt to
become self-assured and confident is to develop your written and verbal communication skills. One cannot be a good speaker, until he is at first a good writer. Polish up on your English/grammar skills
and then start to express your feelings on paper. Keep a journal, write your relatives, write notes to friends, or even make a web page about yourself. For those of you with a family willing to listen,
there is no other greater source to develop you social skills. If you can't speak with your own family, chances are you will not be able to communicate with others you are less familiar with.
Take every opportunity you get to talk with people. Don't let your hesitation get the best of you. If you have something positive to say, then by all means, say it. Don't worry about what everyone around thinks about you – it's what you think about yourself, and that is conveyed to everyone around you. My grandfather gave me a
tremendous quote that applies to many areas in life:
I'm not what I think I am
I'm not what you think I am
I am what you think that I think I am
Take a minute to ponder that last line. Read it 3 times, very slowly. Your own self-identity is made evident to everyone around you. You are what people think that you think that you are. If
you are not confident in yourself, then most other people (especially strangers) will not be confident in you either.
Building confidence in others will, in turn, build your own self-confidence. Don't be greedy with your compliments. Disperse your compliments freely with everyone around you. Do all you can
to bring due praise to people, and at the same time being careful not to flatter (bring undue or untrue praise). Not only will this bring more friends into your life, it will chip away at your shyness.
Start Managing Your Time
Some people have the crazy idea that good things come to those who slack. If you are one of those people, I'm sorry to inform you that most good things require hard work. Athletes don't get
stronger and more toned by watching Oprah and eating potato chips. Likewise, Einstein didn't invent the nuclear bomb by religiously following the NFL. People achieve greatness by their own
self-discipline.
If you want to overcome your shyness, then you are going to have to budget your TV time and expend the leftover time into more constructive purposes. Conversations are only good when they
have content, and there is only content when you have some content in your head. Most people can't hold a decent conversation over one insignificant topic – such as the latest episode of Friends , or
what team they think is going to make the playoffs. You need to stay well rounded, and push yourself to learn and understand the things you were always too lazy to try. Read the newspaper front to back,
read the Bible, read the great classics that you missed out on because you opted to read the Cliffs Notes instead. Do all the things that you never took the time to do. The more things you know and
understand, the more things you will have to talk about with people. Everyone has the capacity to learn, but not everyone has the will to learn.
No Pain, No Gain
Reverting back to my previous statement, good things don't usually come easily. Every time I pay a visit to the weight room I temporarily destroy muscle tissue. The next day I usually hurt
intensely. But in one week, the muscle tissue that was torn has re-grown, bigger and stronger than before. Without this process, my muscles would not get stronger and they would not grow. I had to
experience pain in order to gain.
The same goes towards learning. It was not easy for me to memorize the Declaration of Independence my junior year of high school. In fact, I felt like my brain hurt by the time I was done
learning it. But after I had been through the grueling process of learning and memorizing, other things started to stay in my memory easier. I felt that I had "exercised my brain." Retaining
and understanding came more naturally in every class I was taking.
Without taking chances with people, there can be no gain. Every time you say 'hi', you are taking a chance. You are chancing that the person you are acknowledging is not going to acknowledge
you back. Every time you face a room full of strangers, you are putting yourself into a significant amount of 'pain', but without it there can be no gain. The world is a funny place, where things don't
always come easily. It is by the sweat of our brow that we must labor to get those things, not by always trying to take the easy route.
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